Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Three's No Crowd

You read correctly. I am one of the many that have given a shot to online dating. I've tried, but the one and only date from that site I had was of the crash and burn genre. (True story. He took me to a liquor store and bought a 6 pack of pabst and we sat first on a park bench drank a beer, then we walked back to his apartment, I sat at one side of the couch and he at the other while watching the end of Training Day and drank another beer. Awful.)

So, after I dated someone for a bit (not from a dating site) and suffice to say, I'm no longer with said someone. (praise be to jesus.) I recently decided to give online dating another shot. Well, that's not quite true. Bonnie convinced me to sign up one night because she had recently met someone that was cute and funny. And we both had some Syrah coursing through our veins. Ok Bonnie. Sure. I'll sign up.

I can't tell you the types of people that have emailed me. One gentleman emailed me and offered to clean my whole apartment top to bottom. There was a catch, however. I had to watch him clean. In my underwear. I actually gave it like, 3 seconds worth of consideration.  There have been many South American dudes writing to me and saying: You pretty girl. We meet? Uh, sure! No problem, Carlos! (for the record, one of their name's was Carlos, and I'm not being grossly politically incorrect.)

Then there was Jonah. Oh Jonah. We met at the Trident Book Store, and as soon as I sat down he immediately began hysterically coughing, and was complaining the heat was up too high. It was the end of April, and the heat wasn't even on. So Jonah urged me to move outside, to the patio which was so uneven i had to hold my teapot in place. The thing about Jonah was a)he didn't blink. Like, not even a little. b) he didn't talk, so I had to literally down shift to "So...(throat clear) what kind of music do you like?" (I'm referring to genre, as I'm assuming you are as well...)Jonah's response: Oh, primarily the fiddle. THE FIDDLE? ok. I would judge you if you said the Dixie Chicks, or even Van Halen, but I didn't ask what type of instrument you like, and who says fiddle? Are we in King Arthur's Court or some shit? I realized this date was not to be repeated, so I said in a saccharine and horrified tone: Oh my god! I can't believe it! I left my black berry at work! I have to go! so i escaped the crime scene back to my lovely little apartment. Crisis averted.

The absolute best though, was an email I received about 3 weeks ago. The participant(s) screen name? Threesnocrowd. The message went somewhat along these lines:
Hi! We are a married couple who recently moved to Boston. Your profile interested us, and if you're up for an adventure, write us back...;-).

Ok. first of all, the smiley winkey face is a no no. It's as if to say Hey! Maybe you're leaning towards our offer, so how about we add an extra wink to really convince you.  Next, I don't know where Threesnocrowd got the impression that I was up for their antics. I specifically state in my profile: If you still do keg stands, I'm not the girl from you. NOT: I dig married couples with kinky appetites.

I suppose if worse comes to worse I could always email Carlos. And for the record, the guy Bonnie was dating up and moved to Argentina without telling her.


  1. I swear it's possible to meet nice people online. In fact, Rbob is the least sketchy person I have ever dated (that's not saying much, I know). Do not give up and keep the stories comin'...that shit's pretty funny ;) wink wink

  2. That "three's no crowd" happened to me too. Only I was dumb enough to answer, No thanks, instead of just ignoring the message. But then the girl responded with paragraphs of why I should cooperate, then when I still said no, got all huffy/pissy and wrote me a page-long critique of my online dating profile and how I shouldn't mislead people and make them waste their time. I didn't respond to that one. ;)

    (this is jess p. by the way)

  3. Wait, you never told me about the beer on a bench story! I snorted I laughed so hard when I read this post.

  4. POF? She's on his lap in a pink bra? My friend Elaine and I were both contacted by these freaks..I give up.

  5. This is where you find out that Carlos was ACTUALLY dating Bonnie the whole time! (gasp)